Funnies

[Stand Up]

A fisherman is on a fishing trip and stops in at a roadside restaurant to grab a bite to eat. He sees on the menu where it says "if you order anything we can't make, we'll reward you with $1.000.00." So the fisherman thinks for a while and then orders a medium rare tiger steak. The waiter says no problem. A while later the waiter sets a sizzling hot steak in front of the fisherman and he eats it all. When the waiter comes back to check on the gentleman, the fisherman doubts he really ate a tiger steak and wanted proof. The waiter agreed and took him into the kitchen where he showed the guy the tiger carcass and a meat chart to verify the cut. The fisherman was impressed.
So the dude asks the waiter, "has anyone ever come in and ordered something you couldn't make". The waiter thought for a moment and replied "once there was a guy who ordered mermaids *** on toast and you know, it was the first time in 50 years we ran out of bread".

 

[Stand Up]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a homeless man who asked him for $20 for dinner.

The man took $20 out of his wallet and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on boat accessories instead of food?" the man asked.
"No way !" replied the homeless man. "I haven't owned a boat in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower, change of clothes & a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what could happen to a man after he has given up drinking and motorboats."

 

[Stand Up]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

 

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[Stand Up]

This morning the wife looked at me and started yelling " I'm divorcing you !"

I said " ok , like you wish "

And she said " and I am wishing you a completely ****** life ! "

And I said "so, we're not divorcing anymore ?"

 

[ripdmup]

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I read it earlier by Baily Boat in another post..............."Words Escape Me"!!

 

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[LDUBS]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

OMG!! hahahaha

 

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[Stand Up]