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The next time someone tells you, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can use this as your response
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.
Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.
Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
As a singer/guitarist l attend many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to cry. They cried, I cried, we all cried together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car…..,
I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to cry. They cried, I cried, we all cried together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car…..,
I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
- Joined
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So do I. Redneck all the way and she stands up to the feds and takes no guff from anyone.
crannman
Well-known member
crannman
Well-known member
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
· How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
· How do you make holy water? You take some regular water & boil the hell out of it.
· Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
· What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
· Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
· I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
· What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
· I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
· When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
· A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. · She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
· Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
· I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
· Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
· My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
· The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
· I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
· Need an ark? I Noah guy.
· I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
· Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
· What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
· What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
· How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
· How do you make holy water? You take some regular water & boil the hell out of it.
· Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
· What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
· Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
· I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
· What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
· I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
· When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
· A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. · She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
· Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
· I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
· Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
· My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
· The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
· I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
· Need an ark? I Noah guy.
· I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
· Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
· What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
· What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
One day, a letter came addressed in shaky looking handwriting to "God". But it had no address to send it to so a postal worker decided to open it to see if there was a clue as to wear to forward the mail.
There was a hand written letter inside that read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it, which is all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I have invited 2 of my friends over for dinner. Without that money I have nothing to buy any food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he had made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent it off to the women. The rest of the day all of the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it was those bastards at the post office!
Sincerely,
Edna
There was a hand written letter inside that read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it, which is all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I have invited 2 of my friends over for dinner. Without that money I have nothing to buy any food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he had made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent it off to the women. The rest of the day all of the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it was those bastards at the post office!
Sincerely,
Edna
